in a moment ..
I hear it rain.. its intercepted by loud thunder in between, as if to rudely awake you from your comfortable positioning ... yet the constant rhythm of the patter gently rocks you back into oblivion ... Amidst a whirlpool of events, all of them making their own histories, I sit here quietly hoping to connect the dots in my head ..
Nadal, loses his first match of the season to a Swedish chap, a 23-odd seeded player - Mr. Sod, eased his way into the next round of the French Open - a moment that changed the history of the clay court tournament. I joyously cheered his victory, with the hope that Federrer takes the championship without any trouble!
A night before I tell them all that Ive had enough, that I want a break, perhaps to steer in another direction for a while, I question whether this is really what I want to do? What's holding me back? What am I afraid of? Does this show a lack of commitment? Who is to judge? Am I unnecessarily walking around with too much baggage? Or as a colleague asked me, is it guilt? I drown myself in questions .. and somehow feel that if I sleep on them, I will awake with some form of rich enlightenment. But I guess that's only mythical .. where do I find my calm? Is it in silence? A moment waiting to be unfolded ... this moment reminds me of what I read : Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. - Author Unknown..
A best friend calls and tells me, "need to talk to you, it's important - have to tell you something. I think this is it. Both of us have talked, and I have spoken to Ma and Baba about it, I think we are getting married." .... On the other side of the phone, I sat silent for a brief moment - was it true? Is this what you really want, I asked .. ..a million emotions rushed through my brain. It wasnt as if I was unhappy for her, or angry that I havent met this man yet, but I felt slightly unsure and empty. Was it thanks to my profession, or is it just me, why do I fear commitment so much? Why am I scared of something that can be so beautiful, whole and solid?
For the first time, I felt irritated. It suddenly hit me, I was aware of a growing emotion - Have I begun to unknowingly expect things? It hurt when he said that he had already crossed the house, I was really waiting to see him. Why did I expect him to understand this so much? What is that thin line that distinguishes selfishness from harmless expectation? Can expectation ever be harmless?
A victory for an unknown player, a resignation, news of my best friends marriage and a delayed visit .. all making their own histories in matter of a moment. The enormous power that lies in every moment to determine the past, present and future, the then, now and later ... makes me realise how important it is to value each moment, to live it up without looking back in regret or guilt ... to cherish it, as every moment lives only once ... and maybe afterall, we cannot connect all those dots ..
Nadal, loses his first match of the season to a Swedish chap, a 23-odd seeded player - Mr. Sod, eased his way into the next round of the French Open - a moment that changed the history of the clay court tournament. I joyously cheered his victory, with the hope that Federrer takes the championship without any trouble!
A night before I tell them all that Ive had enough, that I want a break, perhaps to steer in another direction for a while, I question whether this is really what I want to do? What's holding me back? What am I afraid of? Does this show a lack of commitment? Who is to judge? Am I unnecessarily walking around with too much baggage? Or as a colleague asked me, is it guilt? I drown myself in questions .. and somehow feel that if I sleep on them, I will awake with some form of rich enlightenment. But I guess that's only mythical .. where do I find my calm? Is it in silence? A moment waiting to be unfolded ... this moment reminds me of what I read : Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. - Author Unknown..
A best friend calls and tells me, "need to talk to you, it's important - have to tell you something. I think this is it. Both of us have talked, and I have spoken to Ma and Baba about it, I think we are getting married." .... On the other side of the phone, I sat silent for a brief moment - was it true? Is this what you really want, I asked .. ..a million emotions rushed through my brain. It wasnt as if I was unhappy for her, or angry that I havent met this man yet, but I felt slightly unsure and empty. Was it thanks to my profession, or is it just me, why do I fear commitment so much? Why am I scared of something that can be so beautiful, whole and solid?
For the first time, I felt irritated. It suddenly hit me, I was aware of a growing emotion - Have I begun to unknowingly expect things? It hurt when he said that he had already crossed the house, I was really waiting to see him. Why did I expect him to understand this so much? What is that thin line that distinguishes selfishness from harmless expectation? Can expectation ever be harmless?
A victory for an unknown player, a resignation, news of my best friends marriage and a delayed visit .. all making their own histories in matter of a moment. The enormous power that lies in every moment to determine the past, present and future, the then, now and later ... makes me realise how important it is to value each moment, to live it up without looking back in regret or guilt ... to cherish it, as every moment lives only once ... and maybe afterall, we cannot connect all those dots ..
posted by Jitz at 10:59 AM
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