in a moment ..

I hear it rain.. its intercepted by loud thunder in between, as if to rudely awake you from your comfortable positioning ... yet the constant rhythm of the patter gently rocks you back into oblivion ... Amidst a whirlpool of events, all of them making their own histories, I sit here quietly hoping to connect the dots in my head ..

Nadal, loses his first match of the season to a Swedish chap, a 23-odd seeded player - Mr. Sod, eased his way into the next round of the French Open - a moment that changed the history of the clay court tournament. I joyously cheered his victory, with the hope that Federrer takes the championship without any trouble!

A night before I tell them all that Ive had enough, that I want a break, perhaps to steer in another direction for a while, I question whether this is really what I want to do? What's holding me back? What am I afraid of? Does this show a lack of commitment? Who is to judge? Am I unnecessarily walking around with too much baggage? Or as a colleague asked me, is it guilt? I drown myself in questions .. and somehow feel that if I sleep on them, I will awake with some form of rich enlightenment. But I guess that's only mythical .. where do I find my calm? Is it in silence? A moment waiting to be unfolded ... this moment reminds me of what I read : Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. - Author Unknown..

A best friend calls and tells me, "need to talk to you, it's important - have to tell you something. I think this is it. Both of us have talked, and I have spoken to Ma and Baba about it, I think we are getting married." .... On the other side of the phone, I sat silent for a brief moment - was it true? Is this what you really want, I asked .. ..a million emotions rushed through my brain. It wasnt as if I was unhappy for her, or angry that I havent met this man yet, but I felt slightly unsure and empty. Was it thanks to my profession, or is it just me, why do I fear commitment so much? Why am I scared of something that can be so beautiful, whole and solid?

For the first time, I felt irritated. It suddenly hit me, I was aware of a growing emotion - Have I begun to unknowingly expect things? It hurt when he said that he had already crossed the house, I was really waiting to see him. Why did I expect him to understand this so much? What is that thin line that distinguishes selfishness from harmless expectation? Can expectation ever be harmless?

A victory for an unknown player, a resignation, news of my best friends marriage and a delayed visit .. all making their own histories in matter of a moment. The enormous power that lies in every moment to determine the past, present and future, the then, now and later ... makes me realise how important it is to value each moment, to live it up without looking back in regret or guilt ... to cherish it, as every moment lives only once ... and maybe afterall, we cannot connect all those dots ..

across the city ..

i want to write, but my eyes are half closed.

it was out there in the distance, yet calm and familiar. yellow light splashed the room as if it were not shy of any crooked corners.. it radiated an energy that i was looking to find .. .. beyond the french windows, i could kiss the fields that lay bare and naked. it threw me off the regular beat of the day, gently awakening me to the stillness all around ... what was i doing here, i asked myself? slightly nervous, more apprehensive - i knew I had'nt done enough thinking. it was going to be ramblings of a scattered mind.

how long has it been since i've been still? am i aware of what i sound like in such a silence?

we shared. laughed a bit. distracted the silence with crunches of potato chips.

i heard many stories. of hope, of fear, of calmness, of resolve, of pain and of anger ... of personal journey's making their way through a web of worldly conditioning, familial practices, confusion and realisation. disturbed and incomplete, as were most, we attempted to articulate our relationship with religion.

it was'nt easy.

... of wanting more

rather nonchalantly she told me that he got engaged to someone his parents knew. but i could hear the hesistation, the feeble tone in that voice behind those letters that were being typed on the screen.. wasnt one typically of hurt, yet filled with a certain hollowness of being left behind.... although she wasnt in love with him, neither did she want it to work .... she still felt something was slipping away. a sense of belonging that would now have to fade ... it slowly hit, it might not be the same anymore. marriage would definitely change it for him ... and inevitably for her... but why should it, i ask? dont you have a claim on the past, if the future isnt yours?

in an uncanny way, even when you dont want something, you are left with wanting more of it.... like one of those rare dark chocolate moments.. even when your satiated, you want just that one extra piece ... oh well.... ;)

im still trying to desperately understand the politics of an 'oh well' moment, and then again, maybe it's not that simple ....

it's all about the right question...

just poured quite heavily. the sweet smell of the fresh rain snatches me from the living moment -- i find myself wandering into the dark, unforgiving alley ways of the past, a scary truth once lived with passion and joy. it all appears so close and familiar -- so wild and childish -- and yet it is only a memory, intangible and lost.

torn between the easily permeable membrane of this past, and sporadically thrown into flashes of the future, i seem to chase a dream which belongs to no present. an overwhelming paralysis. yet a thirst for the unknown, something new, exciting and challenging -- can i ever satiate this disturbing desire?! im left with only questions - the hazy road in front of me, blinds the erstwhile powerful vision.

to re-ignite that passion. be stubborn.

seek, but will i find.

woooooooossh!

it all starts off with -- once upon a time, the world was a beautiful place. with golden fields and fresh green apples. love, truth and joy fillin empty spaces. but all of a sudden you realise it was only but the waning moment of a perfect distant fairytale.

pivoted by hypocracy and disdain, familiar faces smile at you, with the regular mwaah's and it's been a long time !!!! you do the same .. return the exemplified emotion with yet another flaky smile. who should ask , whether you trully care ???

with less than an hour in a day for yourself, is there time to think about the fleeting moments of the present ? a one-time introduction at a social gathering? does it matter to one's greater cosmic existence whether there was true connection or to the blurred memory on a drunken morning you wake up to?

before you know it .... it's all passe'.

re-hire.

arrested by a forgotten past. it hunts you down - makes a new claim. you look around, you see only the familiar... the laugh, the smell, the letters, the fights ... heard them before, but today they are cast in the beauty of now.

an unforgiving abstention.

an identity is torn. a fear of standing naked.

a loud whisper ...run, run !!! run into the protective shadows of darkness, where you cannot see but only hear. run into a world of imagination, there is meaning. no truth.

a gamble.

another beer, an implicit toast?

it's not a dream...

issues gallore. but is it about the imagery or a story? perhaps, about ideas, rebellion and a hero.

where does the artist draw her inspiration from? a sundry sunday afternoon, sipping narial pani and reading calvino? or from the panderings of a passionate heart waiting to exhale?
i hear a distant voice call my name, a certain nostalgia. a fear of walking towards it.. but perhaps, it's hidden in the mysteries of the past.

the language of expression, estranged by the co-opted practice. but who does that belong to? the masses or the artist?

is the writing on the wall short, simple and sweet? me thinks not.

the servitude of creativity trapped by the destructive thirst of monopoly and power, often destroys the public. yet i dream. of big, brighter, better and more beautiful places, people and things. is it only a dream??

as anannya says, it's not a dream.